Film: Worst Movies of the Decade

Choke
(2008, Clark Gregg)
Appalling in every sense of the word, this is a sex comedy that is neither sexy nor funny. The great Sam Rockwell is reduced to playing a sex addict with zero depth. He's perhaps the most unlikable protagonist in the history of film. And then there's Anjelica Huston, in flashback as his mother, looking like she just walked out of an audition for a live-action Carmen Sandiego movie. It's a movie seriously in need of the Heimlich.


Daddy Day Camp
(2007, Fred Savage)

That Fred Savage. Great child actor, heckuva nice guy. But trying his hand at film directing was something that shouldn't have been been attempted. A sequel that stunk up the cinema, this was a new low for the Oscar-winning Cuba Gooding, Jr. And that's saying something.


Date Movie
(2006, Aaron Seltzer & Jason Friedberg)
When you've got hundreds of romantic comedies to mock, how hard is it to write and direct a parody of the decades of schmaltz? For these two, apparently, it's impossible. But that didn't stop them from going on to commit such further atrocities as Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans.


Duplex
(2003, Danny DeVito)

Could the dream home that constantly undergoes more and more damage be a metaphor a comedy that gets worse and worse by the minute? Perhaps, but that would be giving the creative team too much credit.


Enough
(2002, Michael Apted)

What an accurate slogan, because my limit was about 30 minutes into this lousy excuse for women's empowerment. The movie is, quite literally, a beating.


The Family Stone
(2005, Thomas Bezucha)

For the first half of the movie, everyone wants to punch Sarah Jessica Parker in the face, and with good reason. From there, you can see every twist coming a mile away, which doesn't make it any less frustrating once you get there. To cap it all off, there's a manipulative montage set to "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas". Next year, your troubles will be miles away. Get it! Actually, they'd be away quicker if you just stopped watching.


Fat Albert
(2004, Joel Zwick)

Bill Cosby has apologized for Leonard, Part 6. He should do some serious pennance for this, too.


Ghost Rider
(2007, Mark Steven Johnson)

A comic book movie that manages to get everything wrong, except for Peter Fonda as a motorcycle-riding Satan. One of Nicolas Cage's least enjoyable performances this decade. No, I don't like I-talian, nor do I like the rest of this movie.


The Happening
(2008, M. Night Shyamalan)

There must be some black magic at work to make Zooey Deschanel annoying. Co-starring Terrible Movie Champion Mark Wahlberg, this is the absolute bottom for M. Night Shyamalan, which is pretty obvious considering the killer is the wind. Ooooo, scary!


He’s Just Not That into You
(2009, Ken Kwapis)

Between 10-plus annoying characters, a meandering plot and a sex scene or two that clearly pushes the boundaries of a PG-13 rating, it's safe to say I'm just not that into this adaptation of the self-help best-seller.


Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
(2001, Simon West)

Not even perfect casting can save a disaster like this. One of the 21st century's first video game adaptations, it was supposed to be a vast improvement over travesties like Super Mario Bros. and Mortal Kombat, what with our new technology and all. But sometimes special effects can't cover up this many missteps, with a plot that goes nowhere and subtext about Jon Voight and Angelina Jolie's troubled relationship. Game over, man.


Max Payne
(2008, John Moore)
Ice. Darkness. Snow. Shadows. Hard rock soundtrack. A couple ideas cribbed from '70s vigilante cop shows. This is enough for a movie, right? You'd be dead wrong. And if you watched this movie, you'd make a death wish yourself. For yourself.


Miami Vice
(2006, Michael Mann)
Michael Mann is, in my opinion, one of the greatest American directors. But everyone makes a bad movie every once in a while, and this violates a key rule of action movies: it's boring. Sucking all the guilty pleasure out of his original series, this is just a joyless, violent mess.


Mission to Mars
(2000, Brian de Palma)
After only a small bit of intrigue, de Palma--whose last good movie was, um, Mission: Impossible?--quickly implodes the story in a haze of spooky special effects and a twist so bad you'll want send your TV into outer space.


Monster-in-Law
(2005, Robert Luketic)
Despite the best efforts of the always reliable Wanda Sykes, this stretches the limits of the term "romantic comedy." Every possible cliché you could think of is jammed into this obnoxious, mean-spirited hunk of junk. If this is what we waited on Jane Fonda for, I don't want to see her again either.


Mr. Deeds
(2002, Steven Brill)
Making a bad Adam Sandler movie? That's easy. Defecating on the grave of Frank Capra? That takes some nerve, and the director of Little Nicky was more than happy to oblige. Few people should feel as much shame as the creative team behind this atrocious remake.

Paper Heart
(2009, Nicholas Jasenovec)
All the good will endeared by interviewing real couples is undone with a completely fabricated, utterly unbelievable love story between adorable Michael Cera and annoying Charlyne Yi, complete with puppet interludes. It may be better to love and lose than to have never loved at all, but you're better off never seeing this movie.


Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
(2007, Gore Verbinski)
The reason "bigger is better" rule should not be followed for sequels (see Spider-Man 3 below). Everything that made its predecessors so much fun is thrown out the window in favor of stereotypes ("Wehcome to Singapah") and 20 Johnny Depps. By the time the witch grew to 15 times her original size, I wished the world was ending.


Planet of the Apes
(2001, Tim Burton)
I just have to wonder at what point Tim Burton just gave up, because there's no way this matched up with his vision. It's all hooting (from the apes) and hollering (from Mark Wahlberg) and heavy-handed messages about racism (from Burton ladyfriend Helena Bonham Carter). It's the only real blotch on his otherwise stellar record.


Quantum of Solace
(2008, Marc Forster)
Realism, schmealism. Another case of an action movie that lost its sense of fun--and its soul--in trying to out-do the first one. And I hereby ban Olga Kurlyenko from ever appearing in another movie. Ever.


Saw II
(2005, Darren Lynn Bousman)
Beyond a lack of any scares, there's also no sense of uncertainty, because every twist and gory death can be seen from a mile away. Someone finds a key that says "don't use me." Hmm... I wonder if whomever uses it will die? And because this predictable yawnfest outgrossed the original by at least $30 million, it ensured we'd all be treated to another bloody outing every Halloween. Thanks a lot, teenagers.


Spider-Man 3
(2007, Sam Raimi)
My son, my son, what have ye done? After raising the bar for comic book movies with Spider-Man 2, Raimi--who I'm sure had good intentions--undid all his success with this overlong, overstuffed sequel. It's so appallingly bad, from the terrible casting choices (Topher Grace as Venom? Really?!) to the 20-minute interlude that seems ripped from a bad SNL skit (Tobey Maguire goes emo! He tap dances! He orders his neighbor around like a slave!) to the focus of the film (on Sandman, one of the lamest characters ever) which makes viewers completely forget about everything that happened in the first two films. If that wasn't enough, there's a third villain: James Franco, slowly realizing his potential as an actor, as the new incarnation of the Green Goblin. Oy vey.


Taxi
(2004, Tim Story)
Queen Latifah: funny and can act. Jimmy Fallon: not so lucky. Put them together behind the wheel of a suped up taxi and you've got hilarity! At least that's what producers thought. If you make it through the end of this ride, you'll demand your money back.


Twilight
(2008, Catherine Hardwicke)
The coldest touch in this movie seems to be from the formerly authentic Catherine Hardwicke, who ensures not a single genuine moment will come out of this conveniently packaged abomination, complete with sub-SyFy special effects and sub-Lifetime acting. And vampires playing baseball, I kid you not. The only convincing thing in the whole movie is the sexual tension between the two leads and that's only because they're teenagers.


A Walk to Remember
(2002, Adam Shankman)
That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight. Losing my religion.
The most embarrassing thing about this movie--and there are many--is that it reduces an earnest faith to a bunch of sentimental hooey.

Music: Best Albums of the Decade (Honorable Mentions)

BEST FAREWELL ALBUM:

Johnny Cash – American IV: The Man Comes Around
(American, 2002)
It wouldn't be the last thing he recorded, and if the album and box set that followed weren't so great, it would have felt disrespectful. But this was the last thing the Man in Black released before his sad death in 2003. The album, much like Warren Zevon's The Wind, is the sound of a man who knows his days are numbered, and he wishes he had a bit more time to make up for all his mistakes.

BEST CHRISTIAN RAP ALBUM:

116 Clique – Amped
(Reach, 2007)
It seems like a dubious achievement, but Lecrae, Trip Lee, et al, have created something even the most hardcore gangbangers could enjoy. Everything else in this genre either gets the rap right and the spirituality takes a back seat or it's earnest but totally wack. Here, this EP provides the best of both worlds.

BEST BOOTLEG ALBUM:

Danger Mouse – The Grey Album
(Self-released, 2004)
By blending two great albums, the DJ (and future half of Gnarls Barkley) created something new and better. Who knew they'd work so well together? He did, and everyone's better off for it (except EMI, who sent him a cease-and-desist letter).

BEST GREATEST HITS COLLECTION:

Talking Heads – The Best of Talking Heads
(Rhino, 2004)
What really needs to be said here? An updated version of The Name of This Band is Talking Heads adds their essential '80s output, including my personal favorite "(Nothing But) Flowers".

BEST BREAK-UP ALBUM:

Bon Iver – For Emma, Forever Ago
(Jagjaguwar, 2008)
"Hello, this is Justin Vernon, you've reached the winter of our discontent." Recorded in a Wisconsin cabin after his devastating break-up, this is brutal catharsis that everyone can relate to.

BEST POP ALBUM:

Justin Timberlake – FutureSex/LoveSounds
(Jive, 2006)
Who knew the former icon of boy band NSYNC would deliver an album that more or less got everything right. There's the dirty funk jam ("SexyBack"), the karma-is-a-bitch anthem that's become his staple ("What Goes Around...Comes Around") and the beginning of his great recording relationship with T.I. ("My Love"). So when's he going to release something else?

BEST LIVE ALBUM:

Rufus Wainwright – Rufus Does Judy at Carnegie Hall
(Geffen, 2007)
Rufus Wainwright's verbatim recording of Judy Garland's landmark Carnegie Hall concerts is wildly ambitious, extremely gay but also a tremendous piece of music. The torch singer is like a relic from a bygone era, but still one of the most exciting voices in contemporary music.

BEST REISSUE:

The Clash – London Calling
(Legacy, 2004)
Hard to believe it's been 30 years now since the Clash's landmark punk album was released. With a guitar smash, Joe Strummer and co. planted their flag on the musical landscape. A second disc of demos and a DVD on the making of this essential album.

BEST BOX SET:

various artists – Left of the Dial: Dispatches from the '80s Underground
(Rhino, 2004)
Four discs of '80s nuggets, from household names like Red Hot Chili Peppers and R.E.M. to lesser-known but just as essential artists like Echo & the Bunnymen and Cocteau Twins.

BEST INSTRUMENTAL ALBUM:

Explosions in the Sky – The Earth is Not a Cold, Dead Place
(Temporary Residence, 2003)
That it found success nearly a decade after first forming is not because they sold out, but rather that the editors of film trailers, sportswear commercials, et al, know that the Austin band's music is so malleable that it convey any emotion. It's all open to interpretation.

BEST CRISIS OF FAITH:

Brand New – The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me
(Interscope, 2006)
What Jesse Lacey captured on this bold leap forward for the Long Island band was what so few Christian recording artists fail to grasp: that life isn't all sunshine and lollipops. This is a dark album with no easy solutions. If only other emo bands had a tenth of this ambition.

MOST SELF-ASSURED DEBUT ALBUM:

Franz Ferdinand
(Domino, 2004)
Great Scots! I can't remember a band coming out of the gate so aware of the message it wanted to send: all cocky come-ons and self-deprecation. But by keeping it under 40 minutes, the band never wears out its welcome. That confidence waned on their follow-up then came back but felt hollow on Tonight. At least they started out strong...

BEST EGO DEFLATION:

Kanye West – 808s & Heartbreak
(Roc-a-Fella, 2008)
Perhaps the most conceited artist in all of rap (and that's saying something), Kanye West had the chops to back it up. But on this marvel of an album, a Blood on the Tracks for the iPod age, is the first time the Chicago MC and producer pulled back the façade to reveal the human underneath the superhuman talent and achievements.

MOST DRAMATIC SHIFT:

David Crowder*Band – Church Music
(sixsteps, 2009)
The Waco band is one of the most versatile and talented bands in all of Christian music. He's so good in fact, MSN users voted the group the best artist of any genre in 2006. But after his ventures into bluegrass (A Collision) and pop-rock (Remedy), no one could have predicted this. A journey through about every style imaginable, this proved they could do anything, and succeed better than their peers.

BEARDIEST ALBUM:

Fleet Foxes
(Sub Pop, 2008)
It's not quite country, it's not quite folk, it's not quite chamber pop. What it is, in a word, is gorgeous. And not to get all pretentious on you, but pastoral also comes to mind. Basically, this is what Aaron Copland would sound like were he alive today--and a hipster.

BEST ALBUM YOUR DAD LIKES:

U2 – No Line on the Horizon
(Interscope, 2009)
After winning their second Album of the Year GRAMMY for How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb and more than 25 years in the biz (which got them into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame), the Irish band could have done anything they wanted. Instead, they took five years to record this massively underrated, deeply spiritual album. This is their most personal--and best--album since their unequivocal masterpiece Achtung Baby.

BEST COMEBACK:

Morrissey – You are the Quarry
(Attack, 2004)
Once you're the leader of the Smiths, you pretty much get a pass for the rest of your life. But a true artist like Morrissey wouldn't settle for a so-so solo output. So for his first album in nine years (following the lackluster Maladjusted), he brought out the venom, on vicious tracks like "Irish Blood, English Heart", "All the Lazy Dykes" and "America is Not the World". A master with words, the veteran singer-songwriter's acerbic wit was back in full force.

Music: Best Albums of the Decade

Ryan Adams – Heartbreaker
(Bloodshot, 2000)
After years of struggles in relationships both professional and personal, Adams delivered an album that lived up to its name. I was hooked from the opening track: a debate with friend David Rawlings about Morrissey. From there, it's pure alt-country bliss as the former Whiskeytown singer laments about his poor decisions and unfortunate break-ups.
Further Listening: Rock n Roll (Lost Highway, 2003); Love is Hell (Lost Highway, 2004); Cold Roses (Lost Highway, 2005)


Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion
(Domino, 2009)
A true miracle of an album, one that made the obscure Baltimore band immensely more accessible without alienating any of their rabid fan base. Each track is completely indispensable and the sunny antithesis of the dark days of the decade's end.
Further Listening: Sung Tongs (Fat Cat, 2004); Fall Be Kind (Domino, 2009); Panda Bear's Person Pitch (Paw Tracks, 2007)


Arcade Fire – Funeral
(Merge, 2004)
It put Montreal on the musical map. It made white folks everywhere swoon. It made Merge a major player on the indie-label scene. But the XL-sized band's debut is more important for what it didn't do: It didn't diminish on repeat listenings. The album still sounds as fresh and exciting more than five years after its original release. The title may have referred to the end, but the music speaks of new beginnings.
Further Listening: Neon Bible (Merge, 2007)


Bloc Party – Silent Alarm
(Wichita, 2005)
The title is very likely a reference to the unknown dissatisfaction and disappointment felt by lead singer Kele Okereke and thousands of other twentysomethings like them. "It's so cold/In this house," he sings on the opening track. It's still unclear if that alarm has been noticed yet.
Further Listening: "Helicopter" (Wichita, 2004); Silent Alarm Remixed (Wichita, 2005)


Broken Social Scene – You Forgot it in People
(Arts & Crafts, 2002)
More great music from Montreal, this time with even more members bearing glad tidings. Each track is ethereal, but with a simplicity. Nowhere is this more evident than on "Anthems for a Seventeen-Year-Old Girl" with its beautiful refrain: "Park that car / Drop that phone / Sleep on the floor / Dream about me." You'll be dreaming about this album for quite a long time.
Further Listening: Feel Good Lost (Arts & Crafts, 2001); Bee Hives (Arts & Crafts, 2004)


Coldplay – A Rush of Blood to the Head
(Capitol, 2002)
Further Listening: Parachutes (Capitol, 2000); X&Y (Capitol, 2005); Viva La Vida, or: Death and All His Friends (Capitol, 2008)
The album that changed everything. After their melancholy debut, this was an altogether lovely follow-up that was the opposite of a sophomore slump. It was an album that showed tremendous growth and propelled the band into the stratosphere.


Daft Punk – Discovery
(Virgin, 2001)
A dance album to the core, but one that remembers dancing starts in the heart.
Further Listening: Alive 2007 (Virgin, 2007)



Death Cab for Cutie – Transatlanticism / The Postal Service – Give Up
(Barsuk, 2003 / Sub Pop, 2003)
Did anyone have a better year creatively than Ben Gibbard in 2003? In any other year, these would both have been crowning achievements, but they came out IN THE SAME YEAR. The former is the indie bible, the latter is a lo-fi electronic masterpiece with just as big a heart (that's just as damaged).
Further Listening: Plans (Atlantic, 2005); Narrow Stairs (Atlantic, 2008); The Open Door (Atlantic, 2009)


The Flaming Lips – Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots
(Warner Bros, 2002)
Though not as good as their 1999 masterpiece The Soft Bulletin, this was a landmark album for me personally. Like a nerdy rock opera, it's got balloons, robots and underdog protagonists. Yet it all works. The same could not be said for their follow-ups.
Further Listening: Fight Test (Warner Bros, 2003); The Dark Side of the Moon (Warner Bros, 2009)


The Format – Dog Problems
(The Vanity Label, 2006)
They were challenged with delivering a perfect pop album with their debut. Here, they go one better, showing a surprising maturity with better songwriting and more grandiose arrangements. Too bad delivering such a masterwork undid them and they broke up in 2008.
Further Listening: Interventions + Lullabies (Elektra, 2003)


Girl Talk – Feed the Animals
(Illegal Art, 2008)
In a terrible 2009 song, Ke$ha sings "Don't stop/Make it pop/DJ, blow my speakers up." But DJ Gregg Gillis could easily turn this No. 1 disaster into a danceable hit. It's just what he does. But the important thing is this: he does exactly what she commands. The party really doesn't stop with this album.
Further Listening: Night Ripper (Illegal Art, 2006); @Yale (freeculturemusic.com, 2009)


Green Day – American Idiot
(Reprise, 2004)
An album of limitless ambition, brought to you by a band that called its breakthrough album Dookie. It tells a complete story. Hearing any of the songs separately lessens the impact, though Billie Joe and co. wisely chose its most universal songs for singles: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" and "Wake Me Up When September Ends" among them. Don't let its popularity among the Hot Topic crowd cause you to think less of it.
Further Listening: International Superhits! (Reprise, 2001)


The Hold Steady – Boys and Girls in America
(Vagrant, 2006)
Things are always hazy through the Hold Steady's lens. Were the high moments that great? Were the low moments so bad? But the best thing about this band is its relentless honesty. The title of this album comes from a line in their tremendous single "Stuck Between Stations": "Boys and girls in America/They're such a sad time together." How true.
Further Listening: Stay Positive (Vagrant, 2008)


Jay-Z – The Blueprint
(Roc-a-Fella, 2001)
I don't think I'll ever be able to decide if this is the ultimate rap album of the decade (see OutKast's entry below). Regardless, this is about as good as it gets. Unfortunately released on 9/11, this album signaled that nothing would ever be the same. Everything that's tired and recycled about hip-hop now was fresh then. Its title is extremely apt.
Further Listening: The Black Album (Roc-a-Fella, 2003); American Gangster (Roc-a-Fella, 2007); The Blueprint 3 (Roc-a-Fella, 2009)


Jimmy Eat World – Bleed American
(DreamWorks, 2001)
A polished power-pop powerhouse that truly got what it was like to be a young American male.
Further Listening: Clarity (Capitol, 1999--re-released 2007); Futures (Interscope, 2004)


The Killers – Hot Fuss
(Island, 2004)
For a debut this fantastic, it sure sounded like Brandon Flowers was filled with doubt. He'd felt betrayed ("Somebody Told Me"), guilty ("All These Things That I've Done") and a fool ("Mr. Brightside"). His inner demons may have been his muse.
Further Listening: Sam's Town (Island, 2006)


M83 – Before the Dawn Heals Us
(Mute, 2005)
Not quite a concept album, but definitely feels like a complete story (or at least an intertwined collection of short stories). An electronic masterpiece, each track is filled with anxiety and uncertainty, hoping for rescue that may or may not come from assailants both emotional and physical. Haunting stuff.
Further Listening: Saturdays = Youth (Mute, 2009)


Original Broadway Cast – Spring Awakening
(Decca, 2006)
Resurrecting a banned century-old play about insatiable teenage lust--and adding pop songs--must have surely seemed like a foolish endeavor in the developing stages, but Duncan "Barely Breathing" Sheik finally got some credit.


OutKast – Stankonia
(LaFace, 2000)
Could this be the decade's best rap album? The jury's still out. What we know for sure is this sounded like nothing else on earth--when it came out, and for the most part, still today. From the mind-blowing energy of "B.O.B." to the surprising earnestness of "Ms. Jackson", this was not the misogynistic, materialistic hip-hop we were used to.
Further Listening: Speakerboxxx/The Love Below (LaFace, 2003)


Rilo Kiley – More Adventurous
(Brute/Beaute, 2004)
Is that title ironic? Because the songs on this gem of an album are all evidence of a life full of risk-taking that backfired badly. The songs of immense regret and sadness, which ebbed and flowed throughout this decade made them the Fleetwood Mac of the '00s.
Further Listening: The Execution of All Things (Saddle Creek, 2002); Under the Blacklight (Warner Bros, 2007); Jenny Lewis' Rabbit Fur Coat (Team Love, 2006)


Sigur Rós – Ágætis Byrjun
(Fat Cat, 2001)
Every once in a while a band comes along and produces music that seems directly descended from another world. It's music so heavenly, it couldn't have come from the planet Earth. No secular band has ever sounded so spiritual.
Further Listening: Untitled (Fat Cat, 2002), Takk... (Geffen, 2005); Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust (EMI, 2008)


Sufjan Stevens – Illinois
(Asthmatic Kitty, 2005)
Let's put it this way: His collection of B-sides from this album--the second in his proposed 50 States project--is far better than most artists' studio albums. A true musician and perfectionist, Sufjan is not one to let an album to put out something merely good. Nor will he put out an album inferior to the work he just produced.
Further Listening: Michigan (Asthmatic Kitty, 2003), Seven Swans (Sounds Familiyre, 2004), The Avalanche (Asthmatic Kitty, 2006)


The Strokes – Is This It
(RCA, 2001)
Despite the lack of punctuation, this is the ultimate question, especially for us twentysomethings. College? Career? Marriage? This is not album with the answers, only more questions.
Further Listening: Room on Fire (RCA, 2003); "New York City Cops" (unreleased)


The White Stripes – Elephant
(V2, 2003)
It could have been quite cumbersome, the follow-up to their breakthrough album. But the immensely talented duo delivered in so many ways. With 14 songs that were completely different from the track before, this was an album that defied classification.
Further Listening: White Blood Cells (Sympathy for the Record Industry, 2001); Get Behind Me Satan (V2, 2005); Icky Thump (Third Man, 2007)


various artists – Once (Music from the Motion Picture)
(Canvasback, 2007)
How could music like this go unnoticed for so long? Most of these songs were recorded at least a year or two before their heart-melting musical took the world by storm. Thank God we have them now. Each track reveals the ache and longing the characters (and likely the actors/musicians themselves) have felt for much of their lives. Everyone else, take note.
Further Listening: The Frames' Set List (Plateau, 2003); The Swell Season's Strict Joy (ANTI-, 2009)