28 December 2008

Worst of 2008

1. Max Payne (dir. John Moore)
Not even Mark Wahlberg can save this video game adaptation, hopefully the final nail in that genre's coffin. Some cool slo-mo shoot-outs, but ultimately it's the last thing a movie, let alone an action picture should be, dull.

2. Wanted (dir. Timur Bekmambetov)
The action scenes were supposed to save this picture, but advertisers gave away every single "whoa" moment in trailers and TV spots. Subtract those cool parts, and take a whiny James McAvoy, an alien-looking Angelina Jolie, and Morgan Freeman saying "Shoot this motherf***er!" Oh, and a plot whose key element involves a LOOM. It all adds up to utter stupidity.

3. The Spirit (dir. Frank Miller)
No one asked for a cross between Sin City and Adam West's Batman, and that's exactly what we got.

4. Choke (dir. Clark Gregg)
So much wasted potential. Adapted from Chuck Palahniuk's extremely graphic novel, Gregg simply can't focus his adaptation in any coherent direction, so what's left if is a gross, ambling, cliché tale of a man who has to learn about himself in order to become a better person. But it's too hard to care when all the characters are so unlikable.

5. Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (dirs. Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossburg)
More wasted potential. The first was a genre-defying, sharp-edged satire. This sequel simply throws everything (including bodily fluids) at the screen to see what sticks. What a shame.

1. Britney Spears – “Womanizer”
From the album CIRCUS
Don't call it a comeback indeed. The epitome of desperation.

Womanizer - Britney Spears

2. Lil Wayne – “Lollipop”
From the album THA CARTER III
The so-called "Greatest Rapper Alive" certainly didn't prove his mettle here, boasting about money, cars, and loose women. Yawn. Seriously, R. Kelly could suggest circles around you, sir.

Lollipop - Lil Wayne

3. Katy Perry – “I Kissed a Girl”
From the album ONE OF THE BOYS
If this chart-topper was only a song about unrequited love like Jill Sobule's mid-90s hit, that would be one thing. Alas, the former gospel singer's same-sex smooches are simply an attempt to attract attention. I don't like it.

I Kissed A Girl - Katy Perry

4. Sugarland – “All I Wanna Do”
From the album LOVE ON THE INSIDE
One of the reasons modern country music deserves to die a slow and painful death, the latest crossover hit will get stuck in your head and never get out. All I wanna do-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o is shoot myself.

All I Wanna Do - Sugarland

5. (tie)
3 Doors Down – “Citizen Soldier”
Kid Rock – “Warrior”
These two atrocious singles from the National Guard prove music is another endeavor on which the military should maintain an isolationist policy.

Citizen Soldier - 3 Doors Down

Warrior - Kid Rock

1. I Love Money (Vh1)
There are no words. This show, featuring the "stars" of Vh1's atrocious Love reality shows competing for money, is simply the end of civilization as we know it.

2. The Moment of Truth (Fox)
Risk losing your family or a large sum of money? It's your choice on this, a new low even for Fox.

3. Hole in the Wall (Fox)
Is this what it's come to? Human Tetris? Are you sure Fox knows what they're doing?

4. A Double Shot at Love (MTV)
If this reality sequel, about two bisexual twin sisters, is really about love, shock value has no place in it. Good luck with your music-free programming, MTV.

5. Testees (FX)
For a network built on edgy, top-notch programming, FX really blew it with this follow-up to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia about two buddies who agree to be laboratory guinea pigs. Gross, weird for weird's sake, and flat-out unfunny.

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