11 August 2009

Worst Songs of 2009...So Far

I thought it could wait, but despite such outstanding music from the likes of Animal Collective, Bon Iver, and, the band I can't stop listening to, the XX, Top 40 Radio has unleashed an unholy amount of crap in just the first half of the year. So cover your ears (all of you) and prepare to be ashamed (some of you); here come the worst songs so far this year.

From the album Want
Technically a 2008 song, though it didn't hit #1 on the Mainstream chart 'til this summer, this misogynistic tune about the wounds left by loose women instructed ladies on dancefloors across the U.S. to "do the Helen Keller," which on the surface sounds clever, but it's really a double insult: to people who suffer from Helen Keller's afflictions and to women the world over, because he's basically telling the girl to shut up. Maybe the band should take their own advice.

Justin Bieber - "One Time"
From the forthcoming album My World
When I first saw this on MTV, I assumed it had to be a joke, because this kid has barely hit puberty and he thinks he's an R&B superstar. Further research indicates he's a YouTube sensation, but he's the epitome of a flash in the pan.

From the album The E.N.D.
While they could have easily made this list with "I Gotta Feeling," perhaps the most repetitive #1 single of the decade (though not the most repetitive song on this list), this monster track (which spent 12 weeks atop the Billboard Hot 100 chart, a feat equalled by only a few groups in the history of music) is far more annoying.

From the album I'm Not a Fan, but the Kids Like It
When a friend told me the worst musical genre in history was "crunk-core," I agreed with him, not entirely understanding what it was, and then I came across this little ditty while doing research for this blog post. If you can make it all the way through, you deserve a medal. And just to prove its how bad it is, here's a quote from the NME review: "even if I caught Prince Harry and Gary Glitter adorned in Nazi regalia defecating through my grandmother’s letterbox I would still consider making them listen to this album too severe a punishment."

I had already given Gabe Saporta the "Douchebag of the Year" award after his performance at Nokia Theatre earlier this year (at one point, he told the audience "It's usually hot in Texas, but today it rained, but I'm OK with that, 'cuz I like to get wet."), but then he went and one-upped himself with this horrendous, narcissistic declaration of his ability to "make dem good girls go bad." Really, he makes everyone cover their ears.

See what a little controversy can do? After a flurry of (justifiably) angry comments, the Christian screamo band has gotten tons of exposure from online outlets for this appalling cover of the Postal Service's classic (if overused) song.

From the album Little Bit of Everything
Taking the title of "Year's Worst Country Song" from 2008's owners Sugarland, this pretty cliché twangy track (steel guitar! talkin' 'bout good lookin' girls!) made its way onto this list not only because of its sheer laziness, but also the constant Facebook status updates quoting its refrain "God is great/Beer is good/People are crazy." Hopefully they know only the first and last statements are true.

From the soundtrack album Hannah Montana: The Movie
The song from the inexplicably #1 movie was a smash the world over (and somehow hit #42 on the Hot Christian Songs chart) and proved she wasn't just popular with the kiddos. Total world domination or a sex scandal is the only possible next step. Heaven help us either way.

From the album The Fame
While "Just Dance" was pretty bad, it at least got people out on the floor. Put it this way: you didn't want to kill yourself after hearing it. Then came the sex-drenched "Poker Face," which was also terrible, but put to good use as the sample for Kid Cudi's "Make Her Say" and in Chris Daughtry's cover for a German radio station. But this song simply cannot stand. The aforementioned hits were subtle compared this to this dance track, which has the Lady rhyming "this beat is sick" with "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick."

From the EP Skinny Jeans and a Mic
Here's an assignment: Go to ProTools or GarageBand, pick a grating beat, and just say "jerk" about 5,000 times. It's better than this song, I guarantee it.

From the forthcoming album Rebelution
Another song that ensured its placement here because of Facebook: thousands of kids claiming they learned more Spanish from this song than their actual classes, which is surely the most depressing thing I've heard all year. Regardless, this is another lame shout-out as the Miami rapper makes reference to not only his street, but also his area code. And did you know that numbers one through four are "uno, dos, tres, quatro" in Spanish? Also, did you know that you want him this guy, who is actually less attractive than a real life pitbull? Apparently you do, because he says so at least 100 times in this song.

From the album Asleep in the Bread Aisle
I love college too, but surely "pass[ing] out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat, and do[ing] it again" must get pretty old. He's apparently never been to English class, because his grammar skills are atrocious, even for a white rapper, which makes his boastful comparisons to Hakeem Olajuwon all the more reprehensible. He's never been to a sex ed class either, because anyone who's been would know wearing two condoms makes the possibility of breakage even greater. And I suppose he's never been to speech either, because chanting "Freshman! Freshman! Freshman!" would probably make someone want to punch him in the face, instead of submitting to his initiations.

From the album iSouljaboytellem
I've almost forgiven everyone responsible for making "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" a #1 hit, because there was a dance associated with it, and we do stupid things when there's a dance involved (see: "Macarena"), but this is pretty much intolerable, especially when dozens of Major League Baseball players use it as their at-bat music. See the embedded video below for the proper way to do this song.


From the album Circus
Any track from her three-ring debacle could make this list, but all the created controversy surrounding this song, which makes Lady Gaga look downright shy, makes you angry, not because of the lyrical content, but because the whole package is so offensive to anyone with ears.

From the album Guilty Pleasure
She only wishes she could be considered her album title. This track, which sounds like discarded Miley Cyrus, is sappy to its core. Don't quit your day job, Ashley. On second thought, you probably should do that as well.

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