20 December 2009

Music: Worst Songs of the Decade

3OH!3 – “Don’t Trust Me”
From the album Want
The biggest insult of the decade. Not only to women, but also to anyone with ears and a brain. I wish Helen Keller was still alive so she could beat the crap out of these two.

Akon featuring Snoop Dogg – “I Wanna Love You”
From the album Konvicted
Does it sound like Akon's disingenuous here? That's because this is the poorly edited-for-radio version of his album track "I Wanna F*** You". Now, take another look at that single cover. Are you creeped out? Because you should be.

The Black Eyed Peas – “My Humps”
From the album Monkey Business
Exhibit A in the case to bring the Black Eyed Peas up on charges of terrorism. A diabolically crafted song, designed to get stuck in your head and push you to the point of suicide. Instead of jail time, the band got a Grammy for this. Seriously.

James Blunt – “You’re Beautiful”
From the album Back to Bedlam
I'll admit. I fell under the spell of this song back in 2005. Now, it's like a bitter memory and I can't believe I bought into it. My ears deserve better than you, James Blunt.

BrokeNCYDE – “Freaxxx”
From the album I'm Not a Fan... But the Kids Like It!
If you can make it more than 30 seconds into this song, you deserve a medal. If I was ranking these songs, this would be No. 1 by far. Nothing this horrible should ever be recorded or sung or even thought up. A downright atrocity.

Buckcherry – “Crazy Bitch”
From the album 15
What this L.A. band lacks in songwriting ability, they make up for with a heaping dose of misogyny. Swoon, women, swoon!

Aaron Carter – “America A.O.”
From the album Another Earthquake
Nick Carter's little brother wants you to know that you can't mess with America. Enemies of the United States cower in fear.

Cobra Starship featuring Leighton Meester – “Good Girls Go Bad”
From the album Hot Mess
Taking douchiness to extreme new heights, the ostentatious band enlists the help of the Gossip Girl "star" for this horrendous ode to loose women. You only make women run away, Mr. Saporta.

Crazy Frog – “Axel F” / Gummibar – “I Am Your Gummy Bear”
A frozen Snickers bar? That's a novelty. These are what you call travesties. The former was No. 1 in the UK, which I guess proves they'll listen to anything. No one in America would listen to anything that bad...

Fergie featuring will.i.am – “Fergalicious”
From the album The Dutchess
... except maybe this, a song that's catchy like an STD. You know, misspelling "tasty" (as in "T to the A to the S-T-E-Y") is acceptable if you're running a burger joint in Texas, but when you're describing yourself, you come off as even more repulsive.

Flo Rida featuring T-Pain – “Low”
From the soundtrack album Step Up 2: The Streets
Ladies and gentlemen, your best-selling single of the decade. Who could resist a woman in baggy sweatpants and Reeboks with the straps, especially when she turns around to give that big booty a slap? Oh, Flo Rida, you are the poet laureate of the club.

Paris Hilton – “Stars are Blind” / Heidi Montag – “Higher”
Since neither of these singers are real people, why should anyone expect their songs to feel anything less than manufactured?

Hinder – “Lips of an Angel”
From the album Extreme Behavior
There's rarely been more irony in a line than when Austin Winkler sings "It's really good to hear your voice." No, no it's not. But what really pissed me off about this song was how much women loved it, even though it's about cheating with your ex. But he's from Oklahoma, so I don't expect him to be classy.

Toby Keith – “Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue (The Angry American)”
From the album Unleashed
The subtitle must refer to the listener of this song because not a single line works. To describe 9/11 as a "mighty sucker punch" cheapens the horror of that day. To say "we lit up your world like the 4th of July" is outrageous because whose world are we talking about? All of the Middle East? That's not fair to the millions of people who had nothing to do with the attacks. To say "we'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way" doesn't make the U.S. of A look so good. Please, let's get a new PR guy in here.

Madonna – “American Life”
From the album American Life
Let's just look at some of the ridiculousness here: she describes how she feels "super-duper" when she drives her MINI Cooper, she rhymes yoga and Pilates with "the room is full of hotties," and talks about how dope "this metaphysics sh**" is. Someone needs to stop rapping, immediately.

New Boyz – “You’re a Jerk”
From the EP Skinny Jeans and a Mic
Is that all I had to do to write a hit song? Find an insult and repeat it 18,000 times over some ProTools samples? Man, I am in the wrong business.

Nickelback – “Something in Your Mouth”
From the album Dark Horse
I don't think I need to explain anything with a title like that.

Pussycat Dolls – “When I Grow Up”
From the album Doll Domination
A one-hit wonder is all that a burlesque troupe should aspire to be, but unfortunately people keep listening to them. This might be their worst song, but anything they've recorded could be a contender, especially their butchering of A.R. Rahman's Oscar-winning "Jai Ho".

Rihanna – “Unfaithful”
From the album A Girl Like Me
When she sang "I don't wanna do this anymore," I really hoped she was talking about singing this song. She's giving herself entirely too much credit here, equating cheating with murder. Apparently her infidelity is literally killing her boyfriend. I envy him, because I wanted to die after hearing this song.

Asher Roth – “I Love College”
From the album Asleep in the Bread Aisle
Things Asher Roth has never done: passed a class, written a good song, said something intelligent.

(tie) Ashlee Simpson – “La La”
From the album Pieces of Me
Ashley Tisdale – “He Said She Said”
From the album Headstrong
It's a battle of the Ashes for the worst song ever. Both these are tawdry little trifles that aren't instantly forgettable and incredibly unsexy, as it should be, because you were both TEENAGERS when you recorded these songs. The competition is still neck-and-neck.

Soulja Boy Tell 'Em featuring Arab – “Yahhh!”
From the album souljaboytellem.com
I can forgive "Crank That" because there was a dance associated with it, and people love stupid dances (see also: "Macarena", "Cupid Shuffle", "Cha-Cha Slide"). But this, this I cannot abide. It's an all-out assault on the ears, recorded on the 17-year-old kid's home computer. It's the musical equivalent of an IED.

Britney Spears – “If U Seek Amy”
From the album Circus
This song from album No. 2 in Spears' comeback discography was originally titled, "Look at Me (I'm Still Popular! I'm Still Sexy! I'm Still Edgy!) Look at Me! Look at Me!"

Swizz Beats with Ja Rule and Metallica – “We Did it Again”
From the soundtrack album Biker Boyz
If I had to pick the three people I would less want to hear on one track, I don't know if I could have done any better than this.

Neil Young – “Let’s Impeach the President”
From the album Living with War
Listen, Mr. Young. You've written some great songs over the years. "Heart of Gold". "After the Gold Rush". "Rockin' in the Free World". Man, that was a great song. So, if you're so pissed about the president, why can't you write anything better than this? Take an example from one of your disciples on how to write a good protest song.

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